Even worse, they often walk around in their fitness clothes as though this were a suitable way to appear in public.

Treadmills are like hamster wheels. Gyms smell like sweat and are full of people you don’t want to see, unless you fancy the muscly type. The bathrooms and saunas are breeding grounds for verrucas and other ghastly microbes requiring medical treatment. On top of all that, you have to pay for it. Some gyms are so outrageously expensive that one could feed a whole tribe for a year on the monthly fees alone. 

Yet for some reason, many people still love going to the gym. Is it the adrenaline they crave? Are they merely staying fit? A bit vain? Or are they escaping some sort of weighty obligation like child-rearing?

Probably all of the above. And I don’t blame them. I only wonder how they manage, considering all of gym life’s negative aspects. Why sweat it out in these expensive dungeons when all you need do to stay fit is to get outside and take a walk, ride, or run in the park?

I am no fitness freak, although I do like to exercise outdoors. I spent years going to a gym, taking yoga classes, sweating up a storm at Barry’s Boot Camp, and taking aerobic dance classes to get in shape, but I don’t anymore. Nothing beats a bit of fresh air. Whether that means swimming, playing tennis, walking up a mountain, cycling, skiing or langlaufing, exercise should really be taken outdoors.

If you are lucky enough to live or spend time in Gstaad, you have innumerable choices right outside your door. This year, an outdoor boot camp will be offered through the Gstaad Palace. It only costs five grand per week, but at least you get to stay at the Palace. Or you could try and beat your own record by doing the Taki Cup over and over again, if you are a member of the Eagle Club (and even if you are not). The Taki Cup involves climbing the Wasserngrat on foot in summer and on snowshoes in winter. The best time is somewhere under 45 minutes.

My record is abominable – it usually takes me the better part of a day to get up there, but I enjoy it nevertheless. I shan’t try and beat the record lest I make one of our outrageously fit male climbers look bad. So don’t worry, boys, I won’t be catching up anytime soon. 

Madonna, on the other hand, might catch up, despite her age and apparently exhausting sex life. She’s the ultimate fitness freak and seems to have taken a liking to our little valley. Fortunately, she isn’t yet a club member. But who knows? She should learn how to ski first on the baby slopes at the Eggli, where she has been photographed taking a few nosedives.

Despite the weirdest weather and longest winter I have ever known – it snowed in Gstaad as late as early June – now the sun is shining and we can all get in better shape. Better yet, we can get out of the gym and up the mountain before we end up looking and smelling like the love child of Borat and a female bodybuilder. 

Gyms are dead. But the hills are alive.

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Find columns and opinion pieces in the new Last Word section of GSTAADLIFE.